Red, White & Boobs... Nothing Says, "Happy B-Day, America" Like Free Breast Implants

Posted Friday, June 6, 2008 to PROCEDURES > Breast

Posted by Mike Roe, Copywriter

In less than a month, we’ll gather with family and friends to celebrate America’s independence from King George III. So, let's take a moment now to take an honest look at the state of our union under President (King) George W:

• The Yankee dollar's at a record low
• America’s waging wars in both Iraq and Afghanistan
• U.S. homeowner equity is at an historic low of 46.2%
• Record mortgage delinquencies and home foreclosures
• The nation's unemployment rate jumped to 5.5% in May (the largest monthly increase in over two decades)

But, it's not all bad. It’s not all low, low, low…

• A barrel of oil's at all-time highs ($138 as of this writing and predicted to rise to $150 a barrel by the fourth)

So, besides "it could be worse," what do we have to be thankful for this Independence Day (and besides, thank goodness for term limits)?

Free boobs!!!

God bless America and God bless Torrid at Hawaiian Tropic Zone, because they’re celebrating the 4th of July by hosting, "Red, White & Boobs," a contest in which one "lucky" woman will win free breast enlargement (AKA "freedom boobs") to be performed by Dr. Samir Pancholi of Cosmetic Surgery of Las Vegas.

Honestly, what better way to celebrate America's independence than by giving away free breast implants, right? Wrong. The fact is this "Red, White & Boobs" is about as un-American as it could get. Why? Because in the Rules & Regulations it states, "Men are not eligible to compete or win." Why the heck not? I mean, wasn't it Benjamin Franklin who wrote in the Constitution that, "all men are created equal"? No. No, he didn't. It was Thomas Jefferson who wrote, "all men are created equal." Oh, and, it was in the Declaration of Independence. Don't feel bad. History is written by the winners, baby, and read by the losers.

What's important here is your understanding that men elect breast enhancement as well. In fact, according to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, gynecomastia (male breast reduction) was performed over 21,000 times in the United States in 2007 alone. So, shouldn’t it be self-evident that "Red, White & Boobs" treat both sexes as equals and open the contest to men as well as women? That way, this Independence Day, we Americans can say in a single, unified voice, "mission accomplished."

Like Martin Luther King, Jr. once so eloquently said, “I have a dream...” Or was it Bobby Kennedy? I’m pretty sure it was MLK…

Mike

P.S. What really makes me mad about this contest is that they put an apostrophe in "Boob's" (???). Note to Torrid/Hawaiian Tropic: it's "breasteses," not "boob's." Look, I’m a plastic surgery copywriter, and though I'm not free, I am quite affordable. Hit me back.

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