DIY Plastic Surgery?!?!

Posted Monday, December 17, 2007 to PROCEDURES > Body

So, as you know, a while back, I tried my luck at UpgRade!, the payday advance/“medspa” situated between laz-r tag and The Lube Dude in the strip mall across the freeway from my house. The results of my “Total Body Do Over” did NOT exceed my expectations.

Some good did come of the experience… or as the police are calling it, “incident” (the priest called to perform last rites whispered something about it being “the third sign, God’s final warning”… the emergency room doctor called it, “a GD miracle”… … my mom’s lawyer just kept saying, “thank you! thank you! cha-ching!”) Personally, my favorite was Dean Cain who simply said, “Believe it… or not!” Look for me during ratings week!

Anyway, what I took from the experience is if you want something done right – especially if what you want done right is a cosmetic medical treatment – you’ve got to do it yourself. So…

DIY Plastic Surgery! Goodbye man boobs! Hello Peczilla! So, I bussed it down to the Tractor Supply Company, and bought a garden hose (technically called a “garden cannula”), as well as a mid-priced wet dry vac. Then, on my way back, I stopped at the Discount Liquor Barn 2 for some vodka (“anesthetic”). After I was sufficiently anesthetized, it was off to the garage, or “surgical suite.”

NO I DIDN’T!!! DIY Plastic Surgery? Come on! If you’re serious about plastic surgery, get serious and call a real, board-certified plastic surgeon. I recommend this Schenectady cosmetic surgeon.

Okay… stalled long enough. Here’s the deal. I’m definitely NOT getting that gift subscription to Planet Muscle for Christmas. What?! Why?! Because my mom’s given me notice. I have until the end of the month to pack my things and leave. And, no, not just out of the basement… out of the house. I know, couple weeks isn’t a lot of time, but then again, she could’ve asked me to leave immediately. Still, I’m a little surprised it all went down now, given the time of year. I mean, it is “National Stress-free Family Holidays Month,” after all. God stress us everyone!

When I moved in here a year ago, it was on the condition that I had to write, because that’s what I wanted to do. And, so, that’s what I did. Unfortunately, I think I focused a little too much on my mom in my writing, saying things like, “My mom only eats 39-cent burritos… she’s pretty big/large… cuddle blanket? she needs a cuddle tarp… a size 3X, Dr. Rey’s ‘youthifying’ shapewear will only serve to help my sister and I squeeze mom into the earth when the time comes.”

I think it’s more than that, though. I mean, I did spend a lot of time (and a lot of her money) calling plastic surgeons around the country. Just this morning, I talked for over an hour with that Schenectady cosmetic surgeon. I don’t even know where Schenectady is, but I sure like signing it (my lips are still numb from my TBDO). Schenectady!

Anyway, not sure what I’m going to do just yet. I do know it’s going to be a while before I can again afford the luxury of feeding the peño demon. I’ll probably call my dad and my sister. At one time, I lived with each of them, but who knows if they’ve still got a spare room? We’ll see. The Schenectady cosmetic surgeon already said, no. Anyway, won’t be blogging for a while, that’s for sure, because while the TV’s mine, the WebTV’s my mom’s.

For the record, I didn’t originally live in the basement; mom just thought I would like it better down here… you know, having my own space. And I did like it a lot… at first. It wasn’t long, though, before I missed being upstairs. You don’t know what you’ve got until you’re gone. I didn’t want to tell her that I kind of liked it upstairs, actually missed it, especially after she took the time and spent her hard earned welfare money fixing up the downstairs. Anyway, I would really like to tell her how grateful I am for the time I had here, but I probably won’t be able to, because if you’ve read much of my writing, then you know I’m a macho (and my lips don’t work, and she can’t read sign).

Okay, I should really get going. Before I log off for the last time, I feel like I should answer one of the frequently asked questions readers have emailed me:

1. Yes, I’m “legal.” Not sure what you’re implying, but I can assure you I was born here in America.

And with that, I should wrap this up, because believe it or not, it costs money to blog, and I don’t want my mom to have to pay more for this than she has to.

To the dermatologists and plastic surgeons that took the time to talk with me, especially the Schenectady cosmetic surgeon, you have my gratitude. To the tens of people who read my blogs, I hope you enjoyed them; I certainly enjoyed writing them. To those of you who actually took the time to comment, thank you. Here are a few of my favorite comments– from Anonymous: “You give me hope to be freaky with pride.” Glad I could help. Anonymous, again: “Next time you drag your liposunctioned buttocks and cosmetically sculpted abs to Comic-con, look me up in the Elven Guild booth.” Will do, my friend. And, finally, how can I forget Anonymous, who said, “First!” If you read this, Anonymous, I’m pretty sure you’ll love nothing more than to comment, “Last!”

Anyway, Pink Floyd once asked, “Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn? Remember how she said that we would meet again some sunny day?”

Mike

DIY Plastic Surgery?!?!