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ROUND EAR (WHAT?) ROUND EAR (CAN’T HEAR YOU! TOO EVOLVED) ROUND EAR!!!

Posted Tuesday, November 6, 2007 to PROCEDURES > Face

Posted by Mike Roe, Copywriter

OKAY! SO I’VE ONLY WRITTEN FOR THE PLASTIC SURGERY INDUSTRY FOR JUST OVER A YEAR NOW! STILL, IN THAT TIME, I’VE WORKED WITH… I SAID, I’VE… WORKED… WITH… A WHOLE LOT OF EXTREMELY TALENTED PLASTIC SURGEONS... PLASTIC SURGEONS... FROM ALL OVER THIS COUNTRY, INCLUDING ONE PERFORMING LONG ISLAND PLASTIC SURGERY… YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHY I’M SCREAMING! YOU’D BE SCREAMING TOO, IF YOU KNEW WHAT I KNEW!

I JUST READ ABOUT A NEW PLASTIC SURGERY PROCEDURE THAT CLAIMS THOSE OF US WITH ROUND EARS ARE AT A VERY REAL, VERY DANGEROUS DISADVANTAGE COMPARED TO OUR 500 POINTY EARED COUNTERPARTS! I KNOW, “WHAT?!!! HOW DID I NOT HEAR THIS?!!!” BELIEVE ME, NO ONE SAW THIS COMING... ALTHOUGH, APPARENTLY, HAD WE POINTY EARS, WE MIGHT’VE HEARD IT!

SO, NOW HEAR THIS ROUND EAR!!!

Okay, let’s get serious. Seems there’s a plastic surgeon that’s doing amazing things with ear reshaping (otoplasty). And by amazing, I mean, total nut job sorts of things. Basically, he’ll reshape your ears to give the tops pointy, “beastlike” tips (think Captain Kirk’s Vulcan friend, Mr. Spock). Interestingly, people elect the procedure not only for the not so obvious cosmetic reasons, but also because, as the Hungarian plastic surgeon claims, there’s real… sound science behind faun ears. Specifically, his Web site claims that pointy ears, “focus sounds in a better way.” Okay. And they’re, “indispensable for staying alive.” Oh, have I got your attention now? Good, because pointy ears are also quite indispensable for those of us who love to rave!

Here are the “facts”:

    • Dr. Frankenstein has “experience on 1,000 ears” (or, 500 patients)
    • The procedure is a “one-day surgery” (a 24-hour surgery???) performed under local anesthesia
    • Bandages are required for a week (and then a brown paper bag FOREVER)
    • Sutures are removed in the second week (by this time, you should be filing with Social Security to officially change your name to Dionysis The Pure or something like that… while you’re there, you might also want to go ahead and sign-up for unemployment)
    • Up to 4 weeks before the ears take their final shape (note: during this time, you remain at risk for “staying alive,” especially if you use public transportation)
   
Maybe it’s just me, but I’m sort of fond of my human-like ears. Besides, I don’t ever want a photo taken of me that either makes it look like I’m at a Star Trek convention or the subject of a Weekly World News story (“Bat Boy All Grown Up! Taking Night Classes at Princeton!”).

Sharpen your ears, “sharpen your hearing”? Don’t. Stick with real procedures and real plastic surgeons, like the aforementioned doctor performing Long Island plastic surgery... I SAID LONG ISLAND PLASTIC SURGERY!!!

Mike

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Posted Wednesday, February 17, 2010, by anonymous Report Abuse

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Posted Wednesday, November 7, 2007, by anonymous Report Abuse

Dear Mike, I`ll take the fact of your confession to writing for a scant 12 months into account when I say this: I think your brain is on a local anesthetic. What gives you the right to lay claim to the perfect ear? Who crowned you Aural Champion? Yeah, exactly. Maybe the ELVEN GUILD sees you as this astral plane`s intrusive interloper. Maybe your "normal" ears (and I laugh just typing that word, realizing its brazen descrimination) allow you to only hear what you want to hear. Like the symphony of your own greatness played upon dimestore kazoos and other instruments my POINTY EARS don`t register. I think what doesn`t register is the gross simplification of your body-conscious-sculpted-world. Between your EYE LIFTS and TUMMY TUCKS and CURVATURE OF THE PENIS CORRECTED you must have scant time remaining to fully research the benefits and audiatory joys that arrive with the POINTED EAR. Your loss (of hearing.) Anyways... next time you drag your LIPOSUCTIONED BUTTOCKS and COSMETICALLY SCULPTED ABS to Comi-con, look me up in the ELVEN GUILD booth. I`ll be the one with the tri-bladed battle axe which while only a replica, still has a keen enough edge to lop off those ROUND EARS of yours in a heartbeat. Bring your research notebook and better manners than you`ve displayed avove and me and my brethren will give you another chance at redemption. God knows you need it. Sincerely, (From nowhere near a LONG ISLAND PLASTIC SURGERY center), Gunthor

  
 

Posted Wednesday, November 7, 2007, by anonymous Report Abuse

All that caps-lock yelling probably just deafened a whole slew of pointy-eared folk. They never hurt anyone. They`re just trying to stay alive a little more effectively. Leave them alone.

  
 

Posted Tuesday, November 6, 2007, by anonymous Report Abuse

What? Seriously, just when I thought I`d heard it all... I hadn`t even heard the half of it!

  

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