ROUND EAR (WHAT?) ROUND EAR (CAN’T HEAR YOU! TOO EVOLVED) ROUND EAR!!!

Posted Tuesday, November 6, 2007 to PROCEDURES > Face

Posted by Mike Roe, Copywriter

OKAY! SO I’VE ONLY WRITTEN FOR THE PLASTIC SURGERY INDUSTRY FOR JUST OVER A YEAR NOW! STILL, IN THAT TIME, I’VE WORKED WITH… I SAID, I’VE… WORKED… WITH… A WHOLE LOT OF EXTREMELY TALENTED PLASTIC SURGEONS... PLASTIC SURGEONS... FROM ALL OVER THIS COUNTRY, INCLUDING ONE PERFORMING LONG ISLAND PLASTIC SURGERY… YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHY I’M SCREAMING! YOU’D BE SCREAMING TOO, IF YOU KNEW WHAT I KNEW!

I JUST READ ABOUT A NEW PLASTIC SURGERY PROCEDURE THAT CLAIMS THOSE OF US WITH ROUND EARS ARE AT A VERY REAL, VERY DANGEROUS DISADVANTAGE COMPARED TO OUR 500 POINTY EARED COUNTERPARTS! I KNOW, “WHAT?!!! HOW DID I NOT HEAR THIS?!!!” BELIEVE ME, NO ONE SAW THIS COMING... ALTHOUGH, APPARENTLY, HAD WE POINTY EARS, WE MIGHT’VE HEARD IT!

SO, NOW HEAR THIS ROUND EAR!!!

Okay, let’s get serious. Seems there’s a plastic surgeon that’s doing amazing things with ear reshaping (otoplasty). And by amazing, I mean, total nut job sorts of things. Basically, he’ll reshape your ears to give the tops pointy, “beastlike” tips (think Captain Kirk’s Vulcan friend, Mr. Spock). Interestingly, people elect the procedure not only for the not so obvious cosmetic reasons, but also because, as the Hungarian plastic surgeon claims, there’s real… sound science behind faun ears. Specifically, his Web site claims that pointy ears, “focus sounds in a better way.” Okay. And they’re, “indispensable for staying alive.” Oh, have I got your attention now? Good, because pointy ears are also quite indispensable for those of us who love to rave!

Here are the “facts”:

    • Dr. Frankenstein has “experience on 1,000 ears” (or, 500 patients)
    • The procedure is a “one-day surgery” (a 24-hour surgery???) performed under local anesthesia
    • Bandages are required for a week (and then a brown paper bag FOREVER)
    • Sutures are removed in the second week (by this time, you should be filing with Social Security to officially change your name to Dionysis The Pure or something like that… while you’re there, you might also want to go ahead and sign-up for unemployment)
    • Up to 4 weeks before the ears take their final shape (note: during this time, you remain at risk for “staying alive,” especially if you use public transportation)
   
Maybe it’s just me, but I’m sort of fond of my human-like ears. Besides, I don’t ever want a photo taken of me that either makes it look like I’m at a Star Trek convention or the subject of a Weekly World News story (“Bat Boy All Grown Up! Taking Night Classes at Princeton!”).

Sharpen your ears, “sharpen your hearing”? Don’t. Stick with real procedures and real plastic surgeons, like the aforementioned doctor performing Long Island plastic surgery... I SAID LONG ISLAND PLASTIC SURGERY!!!

Mike

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