All I Want For Christmas Is My… Man Boobs Gone
Posted Friday, October 5, 2007 to PROCEDURES > Breast
Posted by
Mike Roe, Copywriter
Well, it’s October, so that can mean only one thing – time to make out my Christmas list and hang it on the ‘fridge for my mom. Now, there are lots of things I need (a job, my own house, a car, maybe a girlfriend with her own job, house and car), but there’s only one thing I really want… I’ll give you a hint. Remember, that Diana Ross song, “I Want Muscle.” Really? Seriously, you actually committed it to memory? Wow. I just did a search on Google for songs about muscles and it was pretty much the only one.
Anyway, no, I don’t want the song. Believe me, I’ve got muscle. Big time. Want a I want – need – is more muscle. So, as I can’t really ask Santa for more muscle (that’s what Jesus is for), I will be asking Mr. Claus (Mom) for the next best thing: a subscription to Planet Muscle and a stocking full of fat burning supplements. Hey, it’s only $15.52 for 16 “muscle-blasting issues” of the fastest growing muscle mag… that’s right, on the planet!
And here’s the great thing about the holidays… when my mom gets me a subscription to a magazine, the publisher will often offer a free gift subscription as well, for a friend. What’s truly sweet about this is that I tell my mom to have both subscriptions sent here… that way, I can read one and plastic bag the other. You’ve got stocks and bonds; I’ve got “vintage Planet Muscle.” eBay is my retirement plan.
I tell you, 2008 is going to be my year! 2007 was going to be my year, but then I learned a little numerology (just enough to be extremely helpful) and found out that 1 is a much better number for me than 9. Anyway, I’m finally going to be a Peczilla! Oh, whom am I kidding? I’m not an idiot. I know you read the title of my post, or you wouldn’t be here now.
The reality is I’ve got man boobs. And let’s just get it out of the way, okay? Man boobs, chesticles, moobs, moobies, man cans. Happy? Feel better? Glad to help. You know that like 60% of men (100% in my family) have man boobs, right? And, no, I don’t have big ole Dolly Parton-like man boobs or anything. Of course, I don’t have Keira Knightley man boobs either. They’re in-between. I guess if I had to describe them, I’d say they’re like Jessica Alba-sized moobs. And ain’t nothin’ wrong with that, my man. They’re actually… perky and sort of nice. What am I saying?! Everything’s wrong with that! Whatever. The fact is a lot of male celebrities throughout history have had man boobs. Like who? Oh, I don’t know, Buddha ring any bells?
And, yes, I work out. And, yes, I reward myself with an order of jalapeño poppers. Work out. Reward. Work out. Reward. That’s how it works. If you worked out, you’d know that. Besides, got to feed my peño demon.
Fact is moobs or gynecomastia can be influenced by obesity and, yes, I was overweight before I started working out a while back. But, they can also be the result of:
• Prescribed medicines
• Alcohol
• Marijuana
• Steroids
• Thyroid disease
• Renal failure, and
• Certain tumors
How do I know so much about man boobs? I told you I had them, right? And, dude, if you had man boobs (and seeing as you’re here now, YOU DO… or you’re freaky… which is it?), you’d want to know how to get rid of them too. Here’s what I know.
I did another Google search and found the site of a Colorado plastic surgeon… actually, there are two surgeons at the Center for Cosmetic Surgery in Denver (Dr. Andrew Wolfe and Dr. Steven Vath)… and I read all about my condition. Then, I used their “discreet online form” to get in touch with them. Why didn’t I call? Because my mom’s been getting all over me about my long distance calls to plastic surgeons and dermatologists across the country. That’s why.
So, what can be done? I found out it all depends upon the “quality and quantity of excess skin and tissue.” In most instances, though, liposuction can remove the tissue and fat. And in some instances (if the tissue is especially dense and firm), a small incision is made to remove it. In extreme cases (not me), an excisional procedure may be required if YOUR skin is really loose and thin and likely not to tighten after removal.
Now, I understand that you might not have a Colorado plastic surgeon in your area, but if you do, call them and do something other than wish them away.
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