Laser hair removal... fact or science fiction?
Posted Thursday, September 20, 2007 to PROCEDURES > Skin
Posted by
Mike Roe, Copywriter
I'm one of those people (poor) that spends a lot of time just thinking about things. Like what? Like, ideas for movies. And, dude, if you want to steal what I'm about to share with you, and act all like it's yours:
• Number one, I've mailed a copy to myself (official copyright), and I think I know where the envelope might be, and
• Two, I've got hundreds of ideas, even better ones
So... go for it. Seriously, they come to me all the time. Anyway...
Everyone knows "The Brady Bunch" (6 kids), but do you remember "Cheaper By the Dozen" (12 kids) or "Yours, Mine and Ours" (18 kids)? If so, then like me, you know that the only thing Hollywood loves more than movies with a kid with a longish bowl haircut is...? That's right, a movie with lots of kids with bowl haircuts. So, first I had this idea that I was going to call, "Yours, Mine, Ours and Theirs" (24 kids). I know, it's good, but I had something even better. Wait for it... wait...
"Dalai Momma"
In my movie, a single mom is trying to raise 24 kids (Angelina Jolie?) when she is mistakenly thought to be the reincarnated spiritual leader of the Tibetan people (Richard Gere would play a monk that falls in love with her and ultimately has to decide between his love of faith or his love for her holiness (hint: he always kind of wanted 2 dozen kids with bowl haircuts).
Okay, okay. So TV's more your thing. No problem. I also had this idea for a spoof of "Murder, She Wrote." It would be just like the original show (except good), but instead of a retired mystery writer who solves murders, mine would be called...
"Murder, He Read"
It would be about some old retired English professor who solves a small town's constant murders by using skills of deduction he's learned from reading lots of mystery books. It gets even better. He'd be played by... wait for it... wait...
Angela Lansbury.
Semper fi, dude!
Anyway, ever since my sister and a co-worker sent me that online quiz that claimed my skin was like 51 years old, I've also been spending a lot of time thinking about skin care (see, my post from last month, "Don't guess the age of your body's largest 'living' organ"). But, that was soooo last month. This month? It's all about the laser hair removal... not that I need it (or want it).
Hair is weird. I mean, why do humans even have hair? We're not animals! Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm against the idea of hair... although InTouch magazine obviously is. You ever see the section, "Which look is 'better'"? The shorthaired, clean-shaven actor is always "BETTER" then his scruffy twin. Whatever. Talk to the hand, 'cause the 'stache ain't listening.
Anyway, I was looking at one of my mom's fashion magazines (Woman's World or Redbook, who really knows?). By the way, why does she need so many dang recipes? That's another thing I think about... a lot actually. I mean, all we eat - and I mean ALL WE EAT - are 39-cent burritos. Where was I...
Oh, yeah, laser hair removal. Cool, right? Yeah, I know. Me too... I love science fiction. So I read the story and, dude, it wasn't half bad... in fact, by the end, the writer actually had me thinking it was possible to remove hair with a laser. As always, I decided to do my due diligence and conduct a little research, but as Geek Squad broke my Internet TV, I had to bus it down to the computer lab at the library. There, I thought about a city somewhere warm that has lots of beautiful people who are likely to want to show some skin. San Diego it is!
"San Diego laser hair removal" Found a Dr. Susan Stuart, a dermatologist at La Jolla Dermatology. But, she's not just any La Jolla dermatologist it turns out. This Dr. Stuart has been voted one of the area's best doctors by readers of La Jolla Light (???). Anyway, she's also a past president of the San Diego Dermatological Society... one of the youngest, it said. Oh, and she served two terms as Chief of Dermatology at Scripps Memorial Hospital. Well, it goes without saying, that we have a lot in common. Anyway, I learned my lesson after last month's call, and decided to think about what I knew about laser hair removal before I called. It didn't take long.
Nothing.
C'mon, guy! I'm a man's, man. Yeah, I live at home with my mom, but that doesn't make me less of a man, unless you're saying all of my buddies who live at home with their moms aren't men either. Besides, it's not like we live at home because we want to... we're saving money to buy a house. In fact, right now we've got our eyes on one right next to my mom's place. When it comes to real estate, it's like they always say, "Laundry, Laundry, Laundry." Seriously, if she has a washer and dryer (which she does) and none of us do (which we don't), and we go and buy a washer and dryer (which we couldn't), well than that's just wasteful. Anyway, I thought about what I would say to Dr. Stuart, and finally called.
Hi, Dr. Stuart, this is Dr.... Melleno Furton Gamma VI... yes, greetings. Anyway, I'm obviously calling from the 22nd century, and... Yeah, then AT&T dropped my call (and I'm dropping those dudes as soon as my contract's up!). I called back...
Yes, it is I again. As I was saying, I have some rather unfortunate news... you see, a crazed inmate escaped from our mind prison and, well, he jumped into our time machine, and long story short, we think he may have traveled back to your 2007 with our laser hair removal system... don't be scared... now, the system's just a prototype, so you understand that we wouldn't want it being tested on real people to remove unwanted hair... you wouldn't have happened to see our laser machine, now would you? I should say, we're offering a handsome reward....
I know, pretty long, but seriously, I thought she'd hang up way earlier... she didn't.
The GentleLase, she asked?
I'm not sure... maybe you could describe it to me? I would hate to waste a trip all the way back to the 21st century, what with the prices of gas crystals. Damn war in Iraq!
The cost effective way to eliminate unwanted hair? Yes, go on.
Targets the pigment in the hair follicle? Yes.
Ultimately disabling it? Yes, yes.
Resulting in skin that's silky smooth?
It's for my mom, not me! I mean, yes.
The gig was up.
What I really wanted to know now was how long it takes for the GentleLase laser hair removal system to target individual hair follicles. Has to be like a thousand years, right? I mean, there are probably like thousands of hair follicles...
Yeah, turns out there are about 50 million.
She told me that although several treatments are needed - due to the growth cycle of hair - the typical laser hair removal treatment takes just about 10 minutes.
10 minutes?
Maybe up to an hour, she replied.
Oh, so now it's, maybe up to an hour? Yeah, that's still pretty fast for long term hair reduction. She told me that not only does the GentleLase leave surrounding skin tissue undamaged, but it's also safe on all skin types and hair colors. I had no idea what that meant.
Oh, and there's no downtime, she informed me.
Now, all of this probably sounds pretty good to you, but not to me! Scheduling waxing appointments for my mom and hitting the Wal-Mart to buy her razors is one of the ways I work my rent off. If she knew that there was a way to save time and in the long run, money by having a laser remove hair from even large areas like the legs, back and bikini line (my mom's pretty big), then how could I ever hope to save up my part of the down payment for the house next door? Answer me that, Dr. Susan Stuart.
Needless to say, she had no answer.
Before I let you go, where might I pick up one of these GentleLase laser hair removal machines? Turns out I can find a used one on ebay... for around $35,000!
Okay. Well, then, let me ask you this, Dr. Stuart? Would you be interested in a trade? Remember "The Brady Bunch"?
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